Like concluding we have to work more on slower, more fluid shifts in a particular excerpt (concrete), as opposed to dwelling on the frustration of getting cut, and reinforcing the narrative that we don’t perform well under pressure (abstract). Whereas when we’re focused on the big picture overview of a situation, we tend to use our self-theories to decide what it all means. Previous research suggests that when we’re focused on the details of a situation, we’re less likely to let our self-theory color our interpretation of events. The abstract group, on the other hand, was asked to respond with a more generalized category for the word. Like if they were given the word “soda,” they could respond with the word “Coke.” Well, the concrete folks were given a list of words, and asked to provide a more specific example of each word. Umm…what’s a concrete or abstract mindset? Mindset induction 2 A third group of participants was not presented with an exercise of any kind ( control group). So how can we help the compliments get past our negative self-theory firewalls, so we can take them in and build confidence? Three groupsĪ team of researchers recruited 105 participants who were currently in a romantic relationship 1 (you’ll see why in a minute).Įveryone started with a self-esteem assessment, and then a third of the participants completed an exercise that was designed to induce a more “concrete” mindset ( concrete group), while another third completed an exercise designed to induce a more “abstract” mindset ( abstract group). In fact, for those with negative self-theories, compliments can actually trigger more self-doubt, anxiety, and even lead to little mini identify crises instead of enhancing confidence. Like holding onto a theory that you have sub-par technique, even though that hasn’t been true since sophomore year when you began dedicating yourself to scales, etudes, and other fundamentals and had a teacher who whipped you into shape.
After all, it’s easier to say “Oh, that person must not know this piece very well” or “They’re probably just being polite and saying nice things because they feel bad for me” instead of revamping a sense of self that’s based on a lifetime of experience – even if the self-theory is totally outdated. The difference appears to be that because positive cues don’t jibe with their negative self-theory, these cues are dismissed or filtered out.
When it comes to acceptance cues directed towards other people, low self-esteem folks seem to be just as perceptive as high self-esteem individuals. A low-self-esteem individual, for instance, might be receiving plenty of “acceptance cues” (like a smile or approving nod) from people around them, but often, they’re not getting through and sticking.Īnd not because low self-esteem individuals are incapable of noticing these cues. Indeed, people who are low in self-esteem seem to process information differently than those who are high in self-esteem. After all, there’s something about knowing who you are that’s comforting – even if your sense of self is heavily skewed in a negative direction. Largely, because we tend to prefer information which confirms our theories, rather than information which is contradictory. These self-theories (or self-esteem) are often inaccurate – but tend to be pretty stable, and reeeeally difficult to change. How talented we are, what kind of personality we have, whether we are capable of baking a cake from scratch…in other words, our sense of value and worth. We all have certain theories about ourselves. So what’s wrong with us? And how can we get better at internalizing the nice things people say? Self-theories “Oh…yeah…I’m trying out some new strings…my violin is so bright, I feel like I have such a harsh sound.Įven if we’re being honest, responses like these can make the complimenter feel uncomfortable and maybe even a tad foolish, since we’re essentially telling them that they don’t know what they’re talking about.Īnd by dismissing sincere compliments about our playing, our confidence stays kind of stuck too. “Uhh…thanks…but I was sooo nervous…did you hear my bow shaking?” We know that the most gracious response is a simple “thank you!” But often, we can’t help ourselves, and end up stammering out a clumsy response that just makes things awkward. Given a choice, most of us would probably prefer to receive glowing compliments from our peers, colleagues, teachers, and audiences, than scathing criticisms. Subscribe to the weekly “audio edition” via iTunesĬompliments are a funny thing.